I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize