Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it's like heaven, but drunker
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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