Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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