Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
