Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
