I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
