mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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