seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I smell stomach acid.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
