and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
