So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize