What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
