I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
