Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
