arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
