you would pick up someone in the library
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
