Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
