I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
