I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
