you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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