what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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