last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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