$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
