sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
