wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize