my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
