why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
