Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
