i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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