you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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