There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
