just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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