If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
