Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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