put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
porn star boner night. come get it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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