You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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