We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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