I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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