Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
