I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
