im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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