woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
