I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
my poor anus
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
