My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Congratulations! We have a period
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