sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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