It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
