it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
3 2 1 whiskey
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
