forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize