I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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