it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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