Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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