me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
In America we eat man semen.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
