you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
