I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
