we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
