I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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