Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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