Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
