i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
