god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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