I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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