I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
